One of us.
Those were the first words that came to mind upon confirming what I suspected when I missed Simon and Russel's phone calls. To be honest, I ignored the calls, I didn't miss them, I knew why they were calling, I just knew, and I didn't want to leave my bubble of hope yet, I wasn't ready to stop praying and fighting for Joel and face the cold, unfair truth that waited for me on the other end of that phone call, I wasn't ready to be a big boy and face reality. It was one of us who had passed on, and possibly the strongest of us.
My wife Yvette sent me a few texts an hour or two later and informed me of the news, I called Yvette and we dealt with my grief for a minute, because I had to call Simon back and help him get through this as best as I could via phone call and get back to Russ to go over whatever plan he had for us getting out to Oklahoma. Then came the anger, followed by denial, followed by my mind screaming "NoNoNoNo-NO!" as if my inner tantrum would somehow reverse time and bring back one of my best friends to life for me to enjoy. To finally go visit him at his new home out in Oklahoma as we always discussed but somehow never got around to, meet his little boy Milo and hug his wife Sarah all while celebrating their amazing new addition to an already outstanding life.
Joel and I frequently exchanged texts and some of those were over our two boys meeting up and becoming best buds because of how close they were in age, my son Ace, is only seven weeks older than Milo, and also my first (and currently, only) child. We planned on us four dudes taking a picture and commemorating how we both went through the voyage of becoming dads for the first time, in separate places and not in constant contact but, at the same time and each of us having the other one in their thoughts wishing them the best. We will never have the opportunity to have this picture taken, and that knowledge fills me with nothing but pain, hurt, and a little shame for never having gone to visit Joel, Sarah and Milo, celebrate them, exchange knowing looks of "It's so awesome being a Dad right?!?!?"
Over the past few days you may have read how amazing Joel was and what an impact he had on everyone who met him, all of it and more, is nothing but truth. If you'll indulge me I would rather save my echoes of those same sentiments for my letter to Milo and instead would like to express what Joel's passing means to us as his 'boys from NYC', and the lessons we four, Simon, Pierre, Russel and G learned this past weekend.
Joel's faith and love of God was so powerful that in that moment of passing he sent out the call, and we four heeded. We sped off as fast as we could to go to where he wanted us, by Sarah (the love of his life) and Milo's side. That's the only way of describing what clicked in all of us that afternoon, there was a very powerful call sent out and we answered, in fact, through all the dominos and drinks and remembering of Joel we four enjoyed the night before his services, never once did the subject of - "I wasn't sure I was going to make it out here." - come up, because frankly there was never any doubt, even though we four reside in three different corners of the country (California, Florida and New York) we were going to meet in the middle and we were all going to be there for Sarah and Milo.
Joel was such a good man and friend that he even got two of us to bury a long overdue hatchet that we were either too proud, busy or unwilling to deal with prior to this meet up. In light of why we were there we all knew it was just dumb, and had no place in our futures any longer.
It is my belief this was all Joel hard at work, planting the seeds for a fruitful future for his wife and son. Joel's hand sped us along, it helped us along, it ensured that we would be there regardless of what we were dealing with at that moment for his love and his son. His love for all of his friends ensured we would be strong for each other and his family. That same love and his example while alive, made two big babies shake hands and apologize to each other like men should. It was all him, telling us there is work to be done, people to care for and worry over that he won't be able to directly reach any longer, but he's going to try, and we're his vessels.
It's over.....this existence we are caught up in, that we call life, this rat race - is over.
Joel's passing and remembrance this past weekend revealed to me just how little we were actually living, we work and toil and worry about money and our financial futures just like everyone else, sure, but could any of us say that we were actually living? Compared to Joel, no we weren't, plain and simple, there is no argument in the world that can convince me other wise. Here is a man who ran and completed a marathon while suffering from 'some pain in the side' that turned out to be cancer. So no, I for one was not living, and neither were a couple of us.
There has been some conversation among the four of us on how best to honor Joel and his life. Pledges have been made and we all have been hard at work, planning the future, making arrangements to be more active and present in the lives of an amazing woman and her little man. While a few ideas have tossed around in my head, I think the best way for the four of us to honor Joel's life is to simply, live and run together.
Run this marathon we call life, and really LIVE, stop every so often to enjoy the fact that we are all here, together, to enjoy each other and not take a day for granted. Go forth and be not afraid.
So we will Joel, we four will run this marathon together and we will cheer and applaud your son's life at every mile(stone) as if you were here to the best of our ability, but just as you ran with a pain in your side we will run with a pain in our hearts and we will be missing you.
You were our anchor, keeping us steady and grounded when we needed it, now you are our compass, guiding us to the places you want us to take your son, and the lighthouse ensuring we do not get lost on our way there. As I said before, Joel, we four are your vessels, and we proudly carry your family where ever it is they want to go, and we carry a little bit of you in our hearts and souls for ever…..
J orge
sim O n
pi E rre
russe L
